In the past month or so, Charlie's interest in other children has really grown. He and Nathan even appeared to have a conversation while leaning on the coffee table next to each other at Charlie's birthday party. Yesterday we spent about an hour and a half together yesterday, and Nathan and Charlie had the the most amusing little fight over a book.
I think Charlie started it with a little push,
After which, Nathan left, taking the book with him!
No big deal really. It was all over in about 2 seconds and it was so funny to see them getting all huffy with each other! And so exciting, on another level, to see them actually engage each other.
But it was also a wake up call. My baby is turning into a little boy. He is growing up into having opinions, desires, and preferences. And he can't, shouldn't, always have what he wants. I'm going to have to start holding Charlie accountable for his actions. Which means discipline. Which frankly, scares me. It scares me because I am so imperfect. It scares me because, out of some weird mothering instinct, I find myself already making excuses for him, reasons to not hold him accountable for his actions.
I'm the sort of person that needs to have a really good reason to do something unpleasant. And I've spent the last year pleasing Charlie by feeding him when he's hungry and changing his diaper when it's dirty and uncomfortable. I know in my mind that discipline is an equally valid way to love my son. Yet somehow, in the moment, I falter because it will make him so unhappy. I need a clearer, more convicting vision for how and why I discipline.
I'm beginning to sift through my understanding, with God's help, so that I can love Charlie better this way. Here's where I was hoping you could help. Anyone have any good books or tips on thoughtful, loving and Godly discipline? Or any stories of eye-opening disciplining experiences? Why do you discipline? What convinces you to do it when it is hard? Please comment!
4 comments:
Discipline is definitely the area of parenthood that scares me the most too! I just keep reminding myself that if I'm on top of the little things now, maybe we'll avoid some of the bigger issues later! Remember that children thrive in safe, loving environments and part of that structure is discipline. We can get together and talk about some things I've done with Tori that seem to work sometime if you want!
Oh discipline...I hate to do it, but I've seen what happens to families that don't, so I force myself to discipline.
My mom once told me (pertaining to sleep training, but I think it applies to discipline, too) someone will be trained-either the child or the parent. That made me think-I need to be the one in charge, because I love Eli more than he loves himself. I really know what is best for him, more than he knows, so it is my responsibility to direct him towards righteousness, especially during these early years.
I love explaining things to Eli. I am not the type to say "do as I say, just because...". I always give reasons and tell him all about why it is wrong to do such and such a thing.
My philosophy is that if you are stern about the basics (stay close in a parking lot, come to me/answer me when I call you, no standing in the tub, etc) you can be so flexible about most other things. I can trust that Eli is alright brushing his teeth on his own because he knows the rules about being in the bathroom and what he can touch. I have found that boundaries really help Elijah to be free and creative in our home.
I believe in using a firm voice when needed, but always showering with kisses and good attention throughout the day so he always knows who loves him the most.
Oh-another thing I learned from my mom was to always get down on their level and talk to them face to face. Eye contact is so important...not only with discipline, but just showing them respect. Discipline as fast as you can-meaning right after the bad deed was done. An immediate response is best.
One thing I had to work on was remembering to tell Dan about new rules I had made up that day. As Charlie matures, you will find yourself just deciding on the spot what you will allow and what you won't. Remember to jot those down so you and the hub can be on the same page :)
The only parenting book I've sort of read is Shepherding a Child's Heart which I thought was pretty good. It's all about disciplining your child's heart, not creating a perfect robot that just does what is good for no reason.
If you seem to find something that works, let me know!!!
I really love the book "Grace Bsed Parenting" by Tim Kimmel. It's moer of a parenting philosophy than a how-to type book, but it's really good.
But my best words of advice:
Always remember, THIS TOO SHALL PASS!! ;)
Um, obviously I should proof-read my comments...
That's "Grace BASED Parenting". (I'll just pretend there aren't any other typos...)
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