Letting Go

Finite.

Sometimes picking something or someone up means letting go first. Charlie is teaching me how to let go of a lot these days. Though you'd never have guessed it if you walked into my room in college, I'm the sort of person that can't rest in a room until it's put a way and tidy. My cans are lined up in the pantry. My books are alphabetized on the shelf. My left-over containers were stacked away neatly in the cupboard--squares within squares, circles within circles. But Charlie doesn't care. He enjoys pulling everything out and unstacking it all. And that is as it should be.

So, the fifth time I picked up the tupperware today I finally just shoved everything in any way it would fit. The cupboard is not neat. And I'm fine with that. In fact I had the most profound sense of peace and contentment this afternoon while I was making dinner...and the kitchen looked like this!

And this is the change working its way through my heart these past months. I've let go of so much that is precious to me--that was vital to my identity--and it has hurt. But I think my arms are finally empty enough to start taking up the joy of being Charlie's mom.

P.S. It really doesn't hurt that he invented a new game today. He'd wave bye bye and walk away just far enough to be out of sight and then turn around, come back to kiss me, then wave bye bye again, only to return with another kiss. I got 15 minutes of Charlie kisses today. Sweet, precious kisses, for which I'd gladly put the tupperware away one hundred times!

It has begun.....

Charlie learned to open the cupboards this morning. He walked up, grabbed the handle and opened it as if he had done it a thousand time before. And he went straight to work dismantling what vestige of order there was in the Tupperware.

To the store for childproof locks I go...tra-la-la la LA!

The Truth: Serious or Silly?

Perfect strangers like to decide what kind of personality Charlie has. And I've been trying to understand the discrepancy between their comments and who I know Charlie to be. It suddenly hit me last night that Charlie is just like his dad, and saves his true colors for the comfort of home.

When Charlie is out or around strangers he never smiles. I think this is because he is so intent on observing what is new to him. The more strangers try to make him smile the more serious he looks. I think he is trying to understand why they are being so silly. We get comments like: "Such a serious baby!" "Does he always look so solemn?" "What old soul eyes he has." "I guess he's a thinker!" "Won't you smile?"

In my experience, most people think Jonathan is really serious too. No one would ever guess that he routinely leaves me on the floor because I'm laughing so hard.

At home Charlie is a goofy ham. He remembers what makes us laugh and does it again on purpose. He roars. He sticks his tongue. He flirts and giggles. He smiles ALL the time.

And I happen to know he learned it from Jonathan. Their antics are a sight to behold.

Now their secret is out!

Charlie and the Blue Balloon

We routinely read several books which have pictures of a balloon in them and Charlie always points them out. I tell him "it's a balloon" knowing he has no idea what a balloon is. Until yesterday. Yesterday, he recived his very own blue helium-filled balloon from Trader Joes. And he made me laugh. The more interested in something he is, the more serious Charlie gets.
The cash register lady made a slip knot and put it around his wrist and he looked solemnly up at it. I pulled on the string to show him how it bounced in the air and he grabbed it between his two hands and clung on for dear life. But he didn't make a sound or crack a grin. He just held it tightly all the way across the parking lot, as if his precious life depended on keeping it near and secure.

It wasn't until after we got home that he really got into it! I love my serious and silly son!

Art and Motherhood

I recently found the blog of Rachel Power. Her recent book, The Divided Heart: Art and Motherhood which I now have at the top of my "to read" list, interviews many artist mothers.
Recently, she posted this poem by Cate Kennedy, which I absolutely love. It does such a wonderful job of describing the tides that can pull at a mother's heart.

THE ZEN MASTER
Cate Kennedy

I have written this
with a body stretched and sore,
stitches swollen, torn by a crowning head
tongue thick with painkillers
and in the next room a cry for milk
to set my heart off like a caged bird against my ribs

And I have written this
dragging with me a lead apron of grainy exhaustion
page prickling through a stinging mist, mouth metallic with adrenalin
while she sleeps, frowning, tender as a camellia

I have written
all I could, in a gluttonous scrawling haste
hearing her call for me, crawling through the other room
written it washed with guilt, the soup burned to the saucepan
snatching just five illicit minutes to myself, for godsakes, just five

And I have written
as she sat under my feet pulling what’s hoarded from the shelf below
cringing at the sound of tearing paper
until the computer connection suddenly went dead
and she – gummy, triumphant, seated like the Buddha –
held the cable aloft, and waved it like a prayer flag

And I have written, like today,
as she stood by my leg crying with frustration
beating a tattoo onto my thigh with both hands
her face transposing everything, urgently seeking my eyes
demanding I turn away from this pointless thing
because out there, the whole humming world is waiting
See, says her fervent outstretched finger, see there
is the outside
trust me
everything you need is there

tell me you wouldn’t rise,
given that call,
and follow her
helpless and ardent
as a chastened disciple.

Happy 11 Months to Charlie!

He Walks

Our apartment is now full of slap slap boom. These are the noises Charlie makes as he pads his way around, looses his balance and falls on his bottom. He no longer needs anyone's encouragement to walk away from support and is venturing further and further on his own.
The real turning point came last night when he was practicing between me and Jonathan. Enjoy!

It has come to this...

This is what being a mother has done to me...I actually felt grateful for being able to relax, putting the laundry this evening while Jonathan got Charlie ready for bed. Only problem with the picture is that I was putting the laundry away. Has it come to this? Easy tasks that I would have once called a chore are now called 'vacation' when I get to do them sans Charlie?

boys will be boys

We took Charlie on a walk in the snow last night. It was about 7 degrees with windchill, so we all were very bundled up. It was a blast.

The BOB performed beautifully...

Proving once again that it is an all terrain vehicle...

Not only able to withstand the elements, but durable enough for use by Dads too.

Those boys sure have fun together!

Snow Day

There was about 4 inches of snow last night, so Jonathan's class had a delayed start time. (But Charlie woke up early!) We took advantage of all our extra morning time by making French Toast (me) studying Hebrew vocabulary (Jonathan) and by getting into more trouble than usual (Charlie).

There was just enough time before Jonathan left for school to introduce Charlie to the snow for the first time. It was a pretty funny encounter.
"What am I wearing?"

Here's Charlie trying to convince me he could play in the snow without his snow suit! It didn't work.

Once we were outside he got very quiet. "What is this stuff, Dad?"

"It is really interesting, but I'm not so sure..."

"Muh, yeah you can eat it!"

"OK, OK, so it is pretty fun after all!"



All was well until we came back inside...
"What? No one told me my hands would burn while they warm up again! It was NOT worth it, Mom!"

But I beg to differ! =)

Otherwise known as...

fussleupagus


whinoceros



wigglypotamus (wigglepot for short)


droolephant


Oddly enough, our nicknames for Charlie could fill a small zoo!