Letting Go

Finite.

Sometimes picking something or someone up means letting go first. Charlie is teaching me how to let go of a lot these days. Though you'd never have guessed it if you walked into my room in college, I'm the sort of person that can't rest in a room until it's put a way and tidy. My cans are lined up in the pantry. My books are alphabetized on the shelf. My left-over containers were stacked away neatly in the cupboard--squares within squares, circles within circles. But Charlie doesn't care. He enjoys pulling everything out and unstacking it all. And that is as it should be.

So, the fifth time I picked up the tupperware today I finally just shoved everything in any way it would fit. The cupboard is not neat. And I'm fine with that. In fact I had the most profound sense of peace and contentment this afternoon while I was making dinner...and the kitchen looked like this!

And this is the change working its way through my heart these past months. I've let go of so much that is precious to me--that was vital to my identity--and it has hurt. But I think my arms are finally empty enough to start taking up the joy of being Charlie's mom.

P.S. It really doesn't hurt that he invented a new game today. He'd wave bye bye and walk away just far enough to be out of sight and then turn around, come back to kiss me, then wave bye bye again, only to return with another kiss. I got 15 minutes of Charlie kisses today. Sweet, precious kisses, for which I'd gladly put the tupperware away one hundred times!