Now that Charlie is sleeping I have started thinking. Dinanda means womanly. I chose this name for my blog because figured it would cover everything I'm interested in, and because I aspire to be womanly. By womanly I don't just mean female. It's not hard to be a female, my chromosomes took care of that. But to be womanly, to be soft yet strong, giving and beautiful, generous but rich-souled, yielding but tough, fierce yet gentle--these things are not easy.
There are so many aspects of what it means to be a woman. As I think back on the last nine months of my life, there has been a big change. I realize that "mother" is another aspect of womanly. Yet it is also a heavy word, full of an identity that I don't feel I own yet. Somehow bringing a baby home from the hospital has not convinced me that I am a mother. Though I'm past feeling shy at calling myself "Mama" when I'm talking to Charlie, I haven't found my nitch in this new role yet.
Some days I find myself frustrated and resentful. Being a mom is hard work. On those mornings I look my window at the solitary people down below who lug briefcases and scarves to work, and I wish, wish, wish I were as free. Other days I hug Charlie to my chest, breathe in his baby boy smell and can't imagine a place I'd rather be.
Now that Charlie is sleeping, I've started thinking. I've been asking. What does it mean to be mother? How can I give all that I must and yet take care of myself? Do other mothers feel this way? How can I be obedient to God in this new calling?
If you can, please comment. I'd love to hear your thoughts.
8 comments:
Oh, yes. I think anyone who's paying the slightest bit of attention to her emotions and can be honest about them has felt this way over motherhood. My own current project (now that I'm preggo again and EXHAUSTED... not that new pregnancy is a requirement for this) is figuring out how to have a shred of time to pursue my other interests. Other interests like having a conversation with another person and paying 99% of my attention (because at LEAST 1% if not way more will always be on my children for the rest of my life)
Gosh, this is practically my own blog post, but to continue...
My solutions that are budding at this point include ideas like these:
-not cleaning the kitchen every night so that some nights I can take a bath and read
-limiting my hosting so that I have a little energy left to be a guest now and then
-making myself drag Ezra out whenever I have the slightest hit of the energy to do so
-staying up too late one night every other week after bedtime to meet with some girls for a book discussion... we'll see if I can actually get the book read
Miss you, Keren! We'll be in St. Louis the weekend before Thanksgiving
Even 6 months after James was born (and 3 1/2 after Catherine) I still don't really own the mother identity. Perhaps because I've been a non-mother over 40 years and a mom 3 1/2 or perhaps because it's more of a role than an identity for me. Freedom is so important for me and I, like your other commentor, use baths and late night walks and trips to the supermarket or gym to remind myself who I have been, still am, although every day, those other things become less important. You are a wonderful woman, Keren, and a great mother to Charlie.
It took me a long time to feel comfortable with calling Amos my son. I knew I was a mom, but I think because it all happened so suddenly, it took a long time for the reality to sink in. And yet, I was the primary caregiver for Amos-Nathan couldn't feed him, etc, and so I had to be with him 24/7. It wore me out and I wasn't myself, or at least just wanted to sleep all the time.
Once Amos was older--15-18 months-ish, and especially after we were getting settled and he was able to sleep through the night, I began to feel human again. And as Amos started to reciprocate in our relationship, I felt more connected to him. I realized that I was starting to become more fulfilled by being his mom because he could vocalize that he also had love for me. And then, as he's gotten older and we can share things and hang out together, enjoying the day, I've finally reailzed that being a parent to an infant-toddler was really hard for me, so draining and just hard. Once Nathan could take care of him too--feeding, putting to bed, etc, I started to feel less chained to Amos and started to feel more free and alot better. With new baby on the way, I'm hoping things will be easier all around; and I'm excited to share her with Amos--for us to care for her together during our days and hopefully, for things to go more smoothly! Hang in there--you are in an intense season, but it will get better and you'll appreciate Charlie even more as you journey through live with him and he can articulate his thoughts and feelings! xoxo
Being a mom has been hard but only for one reason: it is even less about me now than when I got married. I am thankful to be a mother, because I believe that God uses this role in my life to remind me that my life is not my own. I have no identity outside of Christ. When I look back on my life, I have been so many different people. I have changed interests, hair colors and jobs. But becoming a mother has been the hardest change yet. I think because it is a change that I cannot get out of. This is it. I am a mom and cannot hide on the days when I don't want to be a mom anymore.
But this is why I thank God for blessing me with motherhood. Not only is it a pleasure to be Eli's mom, it is the thing God uses most to change my heart. Women feel like they have lost themselves after having a baby. I know I felt that way, too. But now, I feel like I have gained an understanding of what it means to be a bond servant of Christ.God is slowly ripping me away from the belief that I have any sort of identity outside of Christ. Motherhood is teaching me this and I am thankful for that.
On the days I am able to surrender myself to Him, I get excited about all the other things God will call me to "be". If my identity is in Christ and my whole life belongs to Him and He can do whatever He wants with me...wow. I better be pretty flexible and ready to do whatever at any moment.
Like Jessica, I practically wrote my one post. This is good stuff to struggle through and think about though, so thank you for bringing it up!
Eli and I are finally getting over a very long and nasty cold. Hopefully we can reschedule our play date soon!
Thank you for your comments! It almost feels like sitting down with you all and a cup of tea to chat! I'm so thankful for your friendships!
Love you, girl.
Keren, thanks for puting it into words. I always feel like I am acting when I say I have a son. And it really can go either way--being envious of people who have real jobs and can take a lunch break to get a pedicure and being so thankful that my job is to be Sam's mama.
Dear sweet Keren,
Thank you for your honesty, your questions, your thoughtfulness in this post. I know your younger friends can help with all the advice about teething, sleeping, napping, and all of the basics. (The juggle of wife, mother, personal goals still is a puzzle sometimes to me.) It is wonderful to have friends who are practical and helpful with each other. Mothering can only be done in community. (Your teaching our daughters is part of that community that they benefited from.)
But I would like to show you the perspective that I have now 19 years later as a mom.
When Sophie was little and would wake happily, cooing in her crib . . I would think, here we go again. Sometimes that was a happy thought and sometimes it seemed overwhelming with the everydayness of it and the routine that children thrive on but parents can go a bit crazy.
I see that time now in a whole different light. Each moment that I spent gazing into anyone of our babys' faces, talking with them when their only response was a laugh about a toy that beeped or they were more interested in my earrings. And soon you will enter the phase of Charlie talking where you would be a millionaire if you had $1 for everytime you said, "Say please", "Say thank you", "Say excuse me".
But that time spent chatting with them, cleaning up pureed vegetables and doing laundry slowly changes. It becomes a familiarity and a respect for each other - a bond so strong - much stronger than I ever imagined. It is the strength of relationship that tells you they need something - a conversation, a hug, some laughter - just by the look on their face, the way they walk, or the expression in their eyes. It is the relationship filled with honor, respect, joy and an understanding of each other.
As you spend these days with Charlie he is learning so much. He is learning about your and Jonathan's gentle nature. He is learning about the joy of creativity. He is learning to express himself. He is learning to listen to you and will become a good listener. He is building traits now that he sees modeled in you everyday. These Christ-like traits will help him to grow as a compassionate, caring and loving little boy. His bond with you gives him a sense of security that helps so much his development of his own self-esteem. He is respected and loved by you both and the nurturing he receives will be shown in so many ways - his choice of friends, his diligence at school, his delightful conversations with you and others as he grows This is a tremendous gift you give to him and to you too!
With love, Kristi
PS I love your blog and your daily life with Charlie. I miss you. All the girls say hello.
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