Every once in a while I see myself grow up. It doesn’t happen often, but when it does it is so very encouraging.
So Wendy has reflux just like Charlie did. And her case is worse than Charlie’s. For her this means endless grunting and writhing at night, combined with regurgitation that sometimes comes out her nose, a constant whistling wheeze when sleeping and episodes of apnea. She is uncomfortable, doesn’t like nursing and fusses (there is a reason reflux is often confused with colic) during the day.
Enter the things that effect our life: less sleep and a grumpy baby. Jonathan and I spend at least a portion of every night ‘sleeping’ in our rocking chair holding her upright against our chests, listening to her breath wheeze, laboring in and out, then stop altogether and after a long hanging moment (where I have to remind myself not to hold my breath too) start up again with a long nerve-wracking squeak. With Charlie the diagnosis just gave me a word to define my misery to other people. I hated the intrusion on my sleep, and I resented him for being inconsolable. With Wendy, I have been surprised to feel my self swamped with compassion for her discomfort.
As she has writhed and grunted her way through her heartburn at night, I’ve seen that she is trying SO hard to stay asleep. It is what she really wants, but just can’t achieve. That understanding has made it easier to sit up, holding her on my chest for the long hours of the night, rocking and patting when something from the last feeding comes up her throat. As the night glides by, it shocks me that I don’t resent her intrusion on my sleep. Don’t get me wrong, I do fantasize about lying down with a baby born with a coordinated gastrointestinal tract and dozing off while she sleep/nurses—my tired, tired body aches for it. But if Wendy is sleepy, vertical is the place where she is the most comfortable and this time around, I just want to be there for her.
Delightfully, as this very difficult newborn phase has turned our lives upside down, I have found myself being thankful for the whole meals I get to eat with my family or for having my hands free for 10 minutes to blow bubbles with Charlie. Thankful rather than resentful. Surrendered even? And that, my dear friends, is pretty much a miracle given the reality of our lives and my inability to stay emotionally stable without at least six hours of sleep at night!
So, I’m calling it evidence of “God-here-with-us”—his gentle gift of encouragement—a blessing over Wendy’s addition to our family—grace. And I am so thankful !
1 comment:
Girl!! I just read your latest posts, and I found myself going back in time to Flannery's infancy. I was sooo frustrated with her...she was supposed to be our full term/easy/second baby, right? No. She had her own issues, including way worse reflux than Amos and a refusal to take a bottle or binky. I was ok with her rejecting the bottle, but the binky rejection was beyond me. Our pastor's wife, Jenny, says that God uses their one daughter to sanctify her, and I agree. God has used Flannery in my life in a totally different way, so much so, that I often feel humbled and even resigned to even attempting a perfect appearance. Not that I ever did it, but still. Flannery runs around church with her brother, gets into stuff at home and is just her own little complicated person. She's also so much more chubbier than Amos ever was or will be (but not as much as Wendy!).
Anyway, Flannery finally took the binky and it was because I walked around the Children's Museum with her in the Baby Bjorn, holding the turquoise binky near her mouth, basically pushing it on her for 20 minutes. She finally took it and I felt like a drug pusher but from that time on, for the next three days, she had a binky in her mouth constantly! I wanted that new muscle movement to stay in her memory!
So with both the bottle and binky, I say to keep trying, as it's a whole new muscle movement to learn. And I hope her reflux gets better. Liquid Zantac worked well for Amos, but for Flannery, it helped with the writhing, but she still had some major major spit ups that didn't subside until I started her on cereal at 5 months. Maybe you could start her on a little bit of cereal...that's one thing pediatricians suggest is adding rice cereal to their bottle. Nathan also spent many nights with Flannery sleeping on his chest and a bit upright, that somehow that helped too. Anyway, hope it goes better and that you can sleep somehow!
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